


This is Us

by Sarah_hadeschild



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Body insecurity, Fluff, M/M, Moving In Together, Protective Ryan, Ryan makes a video, inspired by this is us, shane is insecure, so much, too much fluff guys, two dorks in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-26 22:47:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16690378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah_hadeschild/pseuds/Sarah_hadeschild
Summary: Inspired by the tv show This is Us— specifically, the iconic video that Jack made of Kate singing.AKA, Shane has some body image issues, and Ryan is determined to make Shane see what he sees— everything.





	This is Us

“You look fantastic, Shane!”

“It’s a cardigan, man. Don’t go overboard.”

“I know, I can see that. And you look amazing in it.”

“Alright.” Shane looked down awkwardly, preparing to take the last box out to his car. Moving days were not something he particularly enjoyed. But moving into Ryan’s apartment? This was one to remember. Still, he would much prefer to skip to the end. The moment when the boxes would be plunked down next to the closet and Ryan’s frankly ridiculous assortment of sneakers, and the two could finally relax, preferably with some takeout.

“You always do that, you know,” Ryan mumbled, getting Shane’s attention with a tug on the pocket of his cardigan. 

“What’s that, little guy?”

“Brush things off. Like, whenever I compliment you, you find a way to turn it into some kind of joke, or a bit. You never just accept it.”

Shane lowered his chin, gazing dramatically at Ryan over his round frames. “Je ne sais pas what you’re talking about.”

“Oh my god, I’m being serious! Take a minute and be honest with me. I want to know why.”

“Why what?”

“Why you can’t just take a stupid compliment! I have spent a great deal of time in this relationship — and before that, I might add— telling you how gorgeous you are and you have never once accepted my words without some kind of deflective humour. I just want you to accept what I’m telling you for once.”  


“How can I, Ryan? I appreciate that you’re trying to be a good boyfriend or whatever, but how can I accept that? I— I’m not—” Shane’s voice seemed to diminish the longer he spoke.

“Not what, Shane?”

“Not what you think I am.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not— handsome, or beautiful, or whatever phrase you’ve conjured up for today, so you can just forget about it. I’m not trying to be rude, and I’m sure as hell not looking for reassurance or anything, I’m just aware. So you can drop it, okay?” Shane grabbed onto the box and sprinted out the door, leaving Ryan and his empty apartment behind.

…………….

When they arrived at Ryan’s apartment, they set to work with a frankly uncharacteristic lack of banter. It wasn’t as though this was Shane’s first time in Ryan’s apartment. They felt no need to celebrate the threshold they were crossing. They had simply come home, as if their lives before this moment had been a tiresome journey, and their recuperation was about to begin. There was nothing more to do than to kick off their shoes, fetch some popcorn, and begin a horror movie marathon that would (hopefully) last the rest of their lives. 

It was supposed to be bliss. 

Ryan, however, was troubled by Shane’s earlier revelation. How long had this been going on? How long did Shane feel this way about himself? And, most importantly, how long had Ryan let Shane believe these things about himself? Ryan felt naive for all of those times he’d laughed at Shane’s deflections; his avoidance of anything sentimental or real. Shane “I have emotions all the time” Madej was clearly not the most open of individuals, but still. How could he not have known?

It gave Ryan a pit in his stomach to even imagine that Shane was unhappy with himself. It hurt Ryan to think that Shane, whose very presence was a comfort, could find none in himself. Shane’s attention to detail was legendary. With a single gaze he could determine Ryan’s mental state— his anxiety read like a book, and often Shane could calm him with a single phrase. A well timed joke or a quirky facial expression could bring Ryan back to reality if only by reminding him of Shane’s existence. With an asshole like Shane Madej around, the world could only be a source of humour. Shane could banish Ryan’s anxiety with a look, or at least he could quiet it for a while.

Not to mention, Shane was hot as hell. His long legs and awkward, droopy hairstyle that Ryan had so often teased onscreen had, in reality, been the beginning of the end for Ryan and his sanity. He often found himself fantasizing about Shane; his awkward limbs and the way they so easily enveloped Ryan when he needed it most. The way he could rake his hands through Shane’s hair to wake him on those mornings when sunlight seemed an abomination to the peacefulness of the pillows. His eyes would shine when he whispered good morning, half asleep and reaching for the warmth across from him. Ryan had always found Shane’s eyes delightful, only now he wondered if they might also be blind.

Ryan’s face lit up at the realization. It was time for Shane to see through a different lens. 

………………..

“Hey baby, do you know where my headphones are?” Shane had been pouring over his laptop for a good hour, struggling to hear his video with his failing speakers before giving in and searching for his Beats. A shame, really. Ryan’s bedroom floor was oddly comfortable. 

“I’m not sure…” 

Shane jumped slightly at Ryan’s voice. He could have sworn that Ryan was busy working in the kitchen. Shane turned to find his boyfriend leaned smugly against the doorjamb, iPhone in hand, filming. 

“What—what are you doing?” Shane stood awkwardly, shoving his hands defensively into his jeans.

“What do you think, big guy? I’m sending you a snapchat.”

“Yeah, but…why?”  
“Dunno. Thought it would be nice to commemorate your arrival, as my permanent…what? Roommate?” He turned the camera towards himself, zooming in on his face dramatically. “Oh my god, they were roommates! Ha!”

“Ok, that’s enough.” Shane made a motion to swipe Ryan’s camera away, but Ryan was too quick, stepping aside and turning the camera back towards Shane.

“Nuh-uh, I’m documenting our experience! Come on Shane!”

“I said that’s enough.” This time, Shane misjudged the distance between them. Or more specifically, the length of his reach. He knocked the iPhone out of Ryan’s hands, sending it clattering onto the floor.

“What the fuck dude?” Ryan bent to retrieve his phone, and groaned at sight of the spider crack emanating from its right corner. 

“Ryan, I—”

“No, don’t bother. I won’t film you again, don’t worry. But you’re insane for not letting me film because you don’t want to, like, see yourself on screen or whatever. For your information, you are gorgeous, Shane Madej. You have no right to mock that, or twist my words, because I mean it. Don’t tell me I’m wrong about you because I’m not. I have never been wrong about you. I just wish you would listen to me. How come you don’t want to be on camera? You’re on camera all the time for Unsolved! How can you edit the footage if you hate seeing yourself so much?”

Shane, suddenly fascinated by the swirling patterns in Ryan’s hardwood floor, muttered, “I just focus on you.”

And just like that, Ryan’s heart cracked as well. “Well, that’s not good enough.”

…………………

 

Shane heard the front door close a few minutes later. Their first day living together was off to a great start. 

He sat on the bed, simultaneously gazing at, and through, his phone. He needed the distraction. He was always in need of a distraction.

Ever since Shane was a child, he craved a distraction of some sort. With every little ache and pain of childhood, relationships, growth— Shane always looked for a way out. Things seemed to sting him more than other people. When friends would bail on plans, when school would get too stressful, or when the loneliness came creeping its way back in, Shane laughed it off. There was always one more self-deprecating joke to be made. There was always one more game to play or video to watch. Burying things became easy. Burying everything came next.

He didn’t know why he felt so estranged when it came to his body, though. On the one hand, there was the awkwardness Shane saw whenever he thought about his long limbs and skinny physique. Every time he ducked to enter a room or danced gracelessly at a party, a moment of realization seemed to creep up on him. The realization that he wasn’t quite right, and that maybe he never was. He always seemed a little too much for himself. Too tall, too awkward, too different. A lot of people make a big deal about being unique. Shane thought unique was bullshit. He’d much rather be okay.

He sighed, returning to his phone. Distract, distract, distract.

His phone pinged with a notification: You have a Snapchat!

Oh, great. Here we go. He sighed and clicked play. The video began with a close up of Ryan, his eyes wide and his smile exuberant. Shane couldn’t help but grin in response. Those were Ryan’s Einstein eyes; the ones that only made an appearance when he was absolutely certain of his plan. More often than not, Shane thought that Ryan’s plans could do with a bit more forethought, but hell, he wasn’t going to say anything.

“So, I might be a genius. I’ve finally convinced my beautiful boyfriend to move in with me. Clearly he’s delusional, but who cares? Let’s go find him…” 

The camera panned from the living room to the hall way, and came to rest on Ryan’s—their, bedroom. Shane winced as he saw himself seated on Ryan’s floor, typing away at his keyboard. He’d been completely oblivious to Ryan’s appearance, and remained focused on his work. Shane noticed that he had been sitting across from the tall mirror, and his concentrated expression could be seen in the footage. He tried not to focus too much.

“And here we have our very own Shane Madej, working in his natural habitat.” That’s when Shane noticed it. Ryan’s reflection could also be seen reflected in the mirror. He held his iPhone at chest height, watching Shane work. In the mirror, Shane could see Ryan beaming as he watched Shane type. Shane felt like the Grinch on Christmas Day, his heart swelling in his chest.

Ryan just looked so…happy. And maybe a little bit proud. Maybe that was the right word? Shane had seen that face so many times, but only head on. He’d always looked quickly away at those eyes. They were so large and so hopeful, Shane felt like they somehow peered into his soul and saw nothing real at the exact same time. If his eyes could see Shane’s soul, they surely wouldn’t appear so full.

Reflexively, Shane tapped the save button with his thumb. He quickly switched screens and replayed the footage now saved to his phone. He played it back, paused at his outburst, and replayed it. Then he replayed it again. And again. And again.

………………….

When Ryan finally did come home, he was uncharacteristically late. Typically he’d rush home from his outings, eager to kick back with Shane and enjoy some light hearted banter. Perhaps some other things too. Today, however, was different. He had wanted so badly for this to be a day for them to remember fondly. This was the transitional day between their lives apart, and their lives together. Well, together in a new way at least. It was supposed to be perfect.

Instead they’d fought, and for once, they had done it without an ounce of humour.

When he did arrive home, it was to a darkened apartment. He sighed. He could smell the remnants of Shane’s cooking. He shed his coat and quickly retrieved the leftovers Shane had left for him, transferring the food into a Tupperware and placing it in the fridge before venturing to the bedroom. Leave it to Shane to remind him to eat even in their discontent.

Shane was lying in bed, tucked under the blankets. A wisp of golden hair peeked out from the top, making Ryan chuckle to himself. How could he be so goddamned cute? Ryan quickly changed into his pyjamas, and climbed into bed beside him.

Shane sighed as he felt the depression in the bed. “Hey.” He whispered.

“Hey, sleepyhead. How are you feeling?” Ryan shimmied down in the bed, and reaching up with his right hand, he began to smooth back Shane’s hair from his brow. Shane sighed quietly at the contact.

“I’m fine. Just tired is all.” He reached out with one hand, tracing a line down Ryan’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

Ryan continued matting his hair. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. I should have respected your wishes. And I’m sorry I raised my voice at you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I broke your phone.” Shane said it plainly, like a historian stating the cold hard fact. He sounded helpless. Again, like a historian when faced with the truth.

“You didn’t mean to. It’s fine.” A smile crept onto Ryan’s face. “I got another one. The new one. So, all is forgiven.”

Shane smiled. “Always the optimist, Bergara.”

Silence fell over them, and they breathed it in. They traced lines on each other’s skin in an attempt to convey their apologies with tenderness. Eventually Ryan broke the stillness to pull Shane closer to him. With Shane’s head on his chest, he continued to stroke his relentlessly tangled hair, and Shane took hold of his opposite hand, entwining their fingers.

“So… I have to ask you for a favour, and I don’t want you to be mad.” 

Shane’s voice seemed so muffled and uncertain, Ryan knew his answer immediately. “Anything.”

Shane smiled. “I need you to stop doing that, okay? Stop trying to make me see myself some way…the way you see me. Okay?” 

Ryan turned to look down at him, questioningly. “Why?”

Shane looked away. “Because I don’t see myself that way. The way you see me. And it hurts, Ryan. It hurts to hear you say those things and to know that I…that I won’t ever be able to believe you. It just hurts too much. Okay?”

Ryan released their hands and reached for Shane’s chin. He didn’t think it was possible for a heart to feel so full and so completely shattered in the same moment. “Look at me.”

Reluctantly, Shane met his eyes.

“I will do anything you want me to do, because I adore you and it actually hurts me to see you this sad. But you need to know that I am in love with you. That’s my choice, that’s where I stand, and I am one thousand percent certain that I love all of you. Okay? So I will stop this, and I will always ask your permission before taking a photo of you or whatever, but you need to know that I am not wrong. Like I said before, I have never been wrong about you.”

“One thousand percent? Ryan, I’m not sure you know how math works.”

Ryan sighed, smiling in spite of himself. “Shut up, Shane. Just accept that I’m in love with you already.”

“I know.”

“Good.”

“You know how I know?”

He looked down. “How?”  
Reaching for his phone, Shane opened it to the video, paused to Ryan’s gleeful expression. “I see it whenever you look at me.”

Ryan took Shane’s phone and placed it gently on the nightstand before taking Shane’s face in his hands and kissing him fiercely. Every inch of his body seemed to mouth the words, ‘I love you.’ 

………………

The next morning was perhaps the slowest on record. That, or their reluctance to face the day made the morning stretch on and on, despite the clock’ persistence.

Shane’s arms had snaked around Ryan’s waist in the night, and his disobedient hair fell easily into Ryan’s forehead, tickling his skin with every little fidget or stretch. Ryan most definitely did not mind. When the creeping sunlight had become too much for him to ignore any longer, Ryan reached up slightly, nudging Shane’s cheek with his nose. “Good morning, babe.”

“Morning.” Shane muttered, stretching his legs to the edge of the bed. Ryan smiled. It was a comfort to know that he literally and figuratively had so much of Shane to love.

The two eventually rose, in all reluctance, and began their daily preparations. Ryan got the first shower, as always, while Shane began digging around in his boxes for his shaving kit. He really needed to stop the procrastinating and unpack, he thought, scavenging while clad only in his tank top and boxers.

He heard the water droplets before he saw Ryan. He’d left a trail of water as he padded out from the bathroom, running a towel absentmindedly through his hair. And he felt Ryan before he saw him, too— he stood behind Shane and leaned over to kiss his shoulder as he dug around for his bag. 

Carefully, Shane turned and came face to face with those eyes. The same eyes that gawked at him in awe in the snapchat video. The same eyes that crinkled with delight at Shane’s jokes. The same eyes that had welled up only hours before at the prospect that Shane couldn’t handle his words— when Shane had basically told him that he couldn’t handle his love, or at least not all of it.

He sighed. “Don’t stop.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Don’t stop trying…trying to make me see myself as you see me. I mean, I might not always be able to take it, at least without some sarcasm, but…”

Ryan’s gaze softened incrementally. “I hear you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Shane smiled. They’d been “hearing” each other since the day they’d met. 

“Hey, Shane?”

“Hmm?”

“We’re roommates.”

“Oh my god we are roommates.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! It turns out that I'm a huge sucker for fluff, and lots of it. If you're after more ghoul-boy drabble, check out my profile. I have a feeling I'll be doing this for a while...


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